When I die, I would like three things to happen:
1. My handful of friends and family gather together and throw a beach funeral party (plenty of chips, plenty of dip).
2. I would like to be cremated and a small portion of my ashes be used as stuffing for a hackey sack (see idea #11). Place the hackey sack in a lacquered box and give it to my nephew.
3. I would like to have a viking burial.
The Viking Burial: In my 9th grade science class I had to build a cardboard boat capable of navigating the perimeter of the school’s pool without sinking. Over the course of several weekends, my team and I worked in a garage alongside old lawnmowers and hockey equipment. When completed, the boat spanned four meters in length, weighed over 180 kilograms (400 pounds) and resembled a barge bedecked with nude Barbie dolls and graffiti. It didn’t float. While I’m not sure what I was supposed to learn from this assignment, it did instill in me a great appreciation for cardboard boats.
At my funeral party, my guests are to craft a boat out of biodegradable cardboard. The vessel must be able to float 30 meters from shore without sinking, be able to burst into a glorious (yet tasteful) inferno when struck by a fire arrow and also metaphorically transport my soul to the netherworld. Ideally, this a fun team-building exercise.
After the funerary ship is seaworthy, guests are instructed to create grave goods out of construction paper and markers. These mementos will provide my soul with nourishment while on its journey to the afterlife. Ideally, they hold a special meaning for the people making them or are just things that I liked when I was alive. For example: smooshed Hawaiian bread, bicycles, dinosaurs, Star Trek the Next Generation memorabilia, soft licorice, history dioramas, etc.
Lastly, the grave goods would be placed alongside my ashes in the boat which would then be pushed out to sea. Once the ship is a safe distance from the shore, a professional archer would ignite it with a fire arrow and it would burn.
Note: If any women would like to volunteer to join me in the afterlife and be sacrificed alongside my body, then I guess that would be alright too. No fatties please.